Acceptance

I'm 5 weeks post-op today.  

As I reflect today, breaking my foot has in a lot of ways triggered the 5 stages of grief.  I'm not being disrespectful to anyone who has lost a loved one, but I feel like I've gone through the emotional journey since losing a part of myself.  A part of who I was.  And finally, I've come to the stage where I am accepting my injury and what it is going to mean for me.

I was in denial at first - surely this can't be as bad as the doctor is making it seem, as the internet is making it seem?  I'll heal up quick and be back to my old self in a few weeks!

Then that progressed to anger as reality set in.  Why did this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why was I in the wrong place at the wrong time?  I felt envious of people that can just walk around, and how much they take that fore granted.  I got so angry at people when I was out in public and someone would dart in front of me because they didn't want to be stuck behind slow scooter girl. And, as we all know, anger leads to the dark side.

Then came the bargaining.  I was essentially lost in my own maze of What If and If Only.  What if I hadn't been so soaked in mud before my injury, would I have slipped?  What if I'd taken my gloves off before trying to climb the wall?  If only I had pushed myself harder during the race, maybe I would have hit the obstacle earlier in the day, and wouldn't have slipped.  What if I chose to climb on a different side that wasn't so muddy?  If only I would have caught myself!

That of course did no good, so depression set in.  I started focusing on all the things that I couldn't do.  Besides the obvious... walking and being independent... I couldn't continue with my normal routines of life.  Not only was I limited in what I could do in my workouts, but I was limited to what I could do in life.  No hikes, or walks along the trails by my house with my dog.  It's a huge event to try and do anything outside of the house, and I have to research whether or not the places I'm going are handicapped accessible. Festivals like Swiss Days, Greekfest, ComicCon and Oktoberfest are out of the question since I can't navigate the terrain or the crowds on my scooter.  It was hard enough doing that walking!  The first half of the Utah Utes Football games are out, since my seats are 45 rows up, and that was my fall passion...going to games.

And now finally, I've come to acceptance.  It hit me last night.  It is what it is.  This is how my life if for now.  I'm done thinking about what could have been or what I'd be doing now if I hadn't broken my foot.  I'm embracing this new and challenging stage in my life with open arms.  Trumpy (scooter) feels like a part of me, he feels like my right leg.  It's no longer awkward for me to get up and scoot around; it feels just like walking.  I don't care about the stares I get when I'm out in public, when I know people are thinking, "What happened to her?  Poor girl."  or "That scooter looks so stupid."  Zero F*cks Given!  If people feel the need to cut in front of me, go ahead.

I'm not religious, or even spiritual, but I feel like this is a test of my internal feats of strength.  Festivus for the soul!  A test that I either will pass, or fail.  But failing is not an option; I don't know how to fail.  I think maybe that this was something that I needed to experience.  A test of self.

It will get better.  Every day, it will get better.  I think of how much worse it could have been.  I may not have been able to walk away from this injury.  I'm lucky that it is only temporary, as for some people, this type of life is not.  Hell, before modern medicine, the solution for this type of injury was amputation.  I absolutely have a new found respect and appreciation for someone who is disabled, in any sort of way.  Not that I didn't before (I never cut in front of a disabled person at the grocery thank you very much!) but, it is even more so now.  I will not give up.  I can only get stronger.

.... but I am not yet a Jedi.