The self-pity party returned in full force this week. I have been feeling quite emotional about my injury, and it's been quite some time since I've felt this way. And I am not liking it. I hate having feels and just wish they would go away!
I don't know why I'm feeling so terrible. I think it's just a combination of my year anniversary right around the corner, and being confronted with not being able to race this week in a huge way. Little things have been setting me off, even things not related to my foot like work stuff. I just can't even, apparently. Also, if people could STOP being an expert about my limp, that'd be great! I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to think about it, and I don't want to hear that because you recovered from a limp from your knee injury means that I will from my completely identical foot injury! K. Now that that's out of the way....
I did have an eventful week/weekend.
To start things off, my A/C pooped out. Right in the middle of our heat wave, and 2 nights before leaving on vacation to Park City for Ragnar. So that was a stellar beginning to things. It ended up getting fixed 2 hours before I was to check in to our hotel (it's about an hour drive) so I guess the stars aligned and everything turned out peachy.
I also got to help Nate get ready for the Ragnar race. I obviously didn't run it, but I helped him coordinate team meetings, van logistics, set agendas, and helped him draft and proof-read all team communications. I'm a project manager and I was doing some practical application of my skills in the "real world." At least I was able to help in some way. I got to meet all of the members in his van, and they were all inspiring and amazing people!
Ragnar is a relay race, where you are on a team of 12 people and together you run 200-ish miles, with each runner having 3 legs. It's an overnight race, so it takes a normal team 2 days and 1 night to complete. It ran from Logan, UT, all the way to Heber (Soldier Hollow). They call this one the Wastach Back, since you are running along the back side of the Wastach Mountain Range. It's incredible. I stayed in a hotel in Park City with my mom and spent the time shopping and drinking wine. Also crying a lot.
His legs were at odd times this year. He was runner #1 so his start time ended up being at 5AM. The other legs happened late and night and then again very early morning so I didn't have an opportunity to meet him out on the course. I did however meet him at the finish line!
The race ended at Soldier Hollow, which is exactly the place where I injured myself almost a year ago. The Ragnar festival area was literally right on top of the exact spot that I fell off the wall at Spartan. It felt so odd and sobering to finally revisit the scene of the crime. This was where it all changed.
So yeah, this week has been really challenging for the feels. Next week is one year!
My posts have been really positive lately! So I apologize....
But, I do have a sad. I miss running. Maybe it's the fact that it is so close to my year anniversary of my accident, and I'm thinking about it more. I've reconciled long ago my severed relationship with running and thought it was all behind me. But lately I have been craving the solace of the open road ahead with music blaring in my ears. Clearing my mind completely, focusing on my breathing and my stride, lungs burning, and getting that sweet endorphin rush that comes with a long run. Right now, I don't remember how I also use to hate it! It has been hard to even hear songs that come up on my iPod that used to be on my running playlist. I sometimes ride my stationary bike, close my eyes, and just imagine that I am running... Walking just ain't the same.
Nate has also been prepping for Ragnar this weekend (and I'm helping to organize and plan...putting my project management skills to practical use!) and before my accident, the plan was always to run it in 2016. A week later, everything changed, and that was no longer the plan. I wanted to train to walk it (fast) but recovery wasn't quite as fast as I'd hoped and I'm not ready for that. I think I could do one leg, but probably would be too sore to attempt 2 or even 3. Plus, who wants a girl that can't run on their Ragnar team? No one.
So, I'll be there cheering on. Trying to smile and not to think about how I could be out there running too, if I'd just held on to that stupid obstacle and not changed my life forever. I want to see Nate cross the finish line. Ugh. I am so down about this right now and I don't want to think about it anymore. I thought I was fine! I want to be able to just not think about my foot anymore. Or stop getting into situations where I feel like, "Oh crap, can I do this?" Like an unexpected staircase. Or worse, one without railings. Not being able to reach something, and being unable to jump or come up on my tippy toes. Or a sudden drop off/curb, where I have to figure out how to land. Or my extreme fear of heights now, or stumbling and falling. Also, I wish people would stop asking about why I'm limping or when is my foot going to "heal" because it's been so long! It's a long story. But, I guess that is to be expected. I'll have ups and downs forever, and I've been really great with how things are for the last few months!
On a more positive note, I've been "practicing" walking barefoot more often. I miss running walking around barefoot. My arch is a little sore from it, but I am getting so much more comfortable with it, and eventually I'll be able to do it again without much thought.
I've also been gifted with the precog of when a storm is coming. I feel it. In my booonnes. On Friday, I was in horrible foot pain, to the point of tears at work. More frustration than pain tears - like "why am I hurting so bad, this is not normal." A huge storm rolled in that night. And the next day the foot was all better.
I do still feel grateful of all the things that I can still do, and that I'm still progressing on things almost a year later. I'll get through this little rough patch. I enjoy when I get to go hiking (as long as the weather cooperates!) and I just get better each time I go. I'm a little intimidated to go with normal people. I feel self-conscious about how slow I am, especially on the descents and my husband is a patient man.
It will be a year since my injury on 6/27. I haven't quite figured out how I am going to tackle that day. Mourn? Celebrate? Cry to myself while eating a cupcake? Break my other lisfranc?
...for the most part with all things concerning the foot!
General Status Report for 11 months post-op (I really can't believe it's been almost a year!):
- Pain: My pain is pretty minimal unless I really over-do it. I still think about my foot with every step in some way. Not that it hurts, but I can just feel the difference between my left and right foot. My left foot feels completely normal and just like an extension of my leg. My right foot still feels a bit... alien, I guess is the best way to describe it. It doesn't feel natural. That could be the hunk of metal that is still in there, and all of my bones and tendons still healing after all of the trauma. I've learned to live with the alien foot though, so I can't say that it really bothers me.
- Limp: Minimal, but it still shows up at times. Mostly if I've been on my foot a lot during the day or I have done a lot of walking or activity. I think my shoes also determine if I'll limp or not. Some shoes still feel a lot better than others, and some days I just don't want to have to deal with the pain of walking around, so I wear tennis shoes that don't match my outfit. It does feel a bit weird because I'm super self-conscious about it, but it's my body and I'd rather strangers judge my fashion choices than deal with pain and limping all day because I wore a cute shoe.
- Coming up on my toes is still an issue! But, it is starting to get better little by little. It's just taking a really, really long time. The doctor did tell me that it was basically the last thing to come back. So, I'm patiently waiting for that, and I'll do some calf raises when the foot will tolerate it. I do much better with an assisted calf raise, like holding on to a wall or bar so that my weight is supported a bit.
- Big toe pain seems to have mostly resolved itself. I get it from time to time, but just stretching my toes against the wall clears it up pretty quickly.
- Walking barefoot is still not my favorite. I much prefer my orthopedic slippers or my pair of flip flops. I never thought I'd ever feel like that! How your perspective changes...
- Working out is pretty much back to normal (aside from my running/jumping/impact restrictions). I lift. I do the bike. I go for walks. I'm working on doing a pull-up.
And for the "grand" finale for this post, I summited my first peak since my injury - Grandeur Peak at 8300ft! The trail was just over 6 miles round trip, and about 2700 feet of elevation gain. If I'm being honest, I don't think my foot was quite ready for a hike like that. Nate allowed me to pick the hike (we have done this one before my injury but in super crappy weather), and he said afterwards that had he actually looked at the stats, he would have told me no. The ascent was slow and steady, and I just went at a pace where I was comfortable and had no pain. There were some super rocky parts which I absolutely hated! I have balance issues still so the foot was going all kinds of wonky directions and freaking me out. Plus if I stepped wrong I'd get a shot of pain for a second, so I just had to be careful. Going down was another story, it probably took me longer to get down than to go up. With a little over a mile left to go, my foot really started to hurt. But, I had to power through and stay strong. I was on the verge of tears at that point from frustration, pain, and wanting to go faster. Eventually I did hit the bottom and it felt great to have accomplished this peak!
Of course I was sore the next day. But it mainly was from my other muscles and not my foot.
I will be going back in for my 1 year post-op check up next month. I promise to keep updating!
