But, I do have a sad. I miss running. Maybe it's the fact that it is so close to my year anniversary of my accident, and I'm thinking about it more. I've reconciled long ago my severed relationship with running and thought it was all behind me. But lately I have been craving the solace of the open road ahead with music blaring in my ears. Clearing my mind completely, focusing on my breathing and my stride, lungs burning, and getting that sweet endorphin rush that comes with a long run. Right now, I don't remember how I also use to hate it! It has been hard to even hear songs that come up on my iPod that used to be on my running playlist. I sometimes ride my stationary bike, close my eyes, and just imagine that I am running... Walking just ain't the same.
Nate has also been prepping for Ragnar this weekend (and I'm helping to organize and plan...putting my project management skills to practical use!) and before my accident, the plan was always to run it in 2016. A week later, everything changed, and that was no longer the plan. I wanted to train to walk it (fast) but recovery wasn't quite as fast as I'd hoped and I'm not ready for that. I think I could do one leg, but probably would be too sore to attempt 2 or even 3. Plus, who wants a girl that can't run on their Ragnar team? No one.
So, I'll be there cheering on. Trying to smile and not to think about how I could be out there running too, if I'd just held on to that stupid obstacle and not changed my life forever. I want to see Nate cross the finish line. Ugh. I am so down about this right now and I don't want to think about it anymore. I thought I was fine! I want to be able to just not think about my foot anymore. Or stop getting into situations where I feel like, "Oh crap, can I do this?" Like an unexpected staircase. Or worse, one without railings. Not being able to reach something, and being unable to jump or come up on my tippy toes. Or a sudden drop off/curb, where I have to figure out how to land. Or my extreme fear of heights now, or stumbling and falling. Also, I wish people would stop asking about why I'm limping or when is my foot going to "heal" because it's been so long! It's a long story. But, I guess that is to be expected. I'll have ups and downs forever, and I've been really great with how things are for the last few months!
On a more positive note, I've been "practicing" walking barefoot more often. I miss
I've also been gifted with the precog of when a storm is coming. I feel it. In my booonnes. On Friday, I was in horrible foot pain, to the point of tears at work. More frustration than pain tears - like "why am I hurting so bad, this is not normal." A huge storm rolled in that night. And the next day the foot was all better.
I do still feel grateful of all the things that I can still do, and that I'm still progressing on things almost a year later. I'll get through this little rough patch. I enjoy when I get to go hiking (as long as the weather cooperates!) and I just get better each time I go. I'm a little intimidated to go with normal people. I feel self-conscious about how slow I am, especially on the descents and my husband is a patient man.
It will be a year since my injury on 6/27. I haven't quite figured out how I am going to tackle that day. Mourn? Celebrate? Cry to myself while eating a cupcake? Break my other lisfranc?
Hi CC,
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. As a younger person you rightly have higher expectations than me. My anniversary of injury is 21st June 2015. I can now walk and swim and am so grateful given what others on face book suffer following the injury. I am on holiday in Shetland (north of Scotand) and have been able to do real walks. The only thing I can't do easily is steep downhill so use a walking pole.
Anniversary - not logical to celebrate but share grief for what might have been. Goodbye old foot, hello new foot. I feel grateful to my new foot. I remember the horror when I read the LF facebook page and some people were not walking 2 years later. I therefore think I am lucky. Think of me on 21st and I will send you wishes from the other side of the world on 27th June. Good luck and thank you for writing. Warm wishes
Karen
Thank you Karen! 1 year today for you! I am thinking of you.
DeleteAnd yep.. I've learned to love my "new foot"...it's not where my old one was, but I'll gladly take it.
You are lucky, but more importantly you are strong! Keep on healing. Thanks for reading my thoughts!
Hi CC. So I have just very recently found your blog and I must tell you that I have laughed, I have cried, and I can relate to so much and in so many ways. It was well I don't really know if nice is the right word exactly but how about relieving to know that there was someone else who knew what I was going through. I am now 3 - 1/2 months post injury and also post surgery. I did get mine differently. On April 1, 2016 I was in a car wreck (urgh long story anyway) and literally stood on my brake pedal to hard. My car my brand new baby with less than 4000 miles on her took the wreck better than my foot did. I ended up having to go to a trauma center for surgical repair. I had a lisfranc fracture with associated lateral displacement of the second through fourth metatarsals and accompanying comminuted fracture of the cuboid, intermediate cuneiform and lateral cuneiform with a displaced fracture at the base of the first proximal phalanx (my big toe). Along with tearing all the tendons and ligaments in my foot. While I am not so much of a fitness/gym buff (I wish I were) I am a workaholic who is (or was) always on the go. I am paramedic who works 2 full time jobs. (I know I know a paramedic injured in a car wreck almost an oxymoron.) So the recovery time is killing me. I want to say thank you so much for writing this blog it has helped me get through so of my "moods". Oh the things we could talk about. I look forward to hearing more from you and maybe getting to talk to you some (I would love that as I am bored out of my mind right now, lol.) Anyway good luck on the 27th I will send good thoughts your way and will be looking forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading! I'm "happy" you can relate - but that's not the right word either.
DeleteSounds like your injury was a dousy.. I am so sorry that happened to you. I always think that things could have been so much worse. At least your wreck wasn't worse and you lived to tell the story!
The worst part of the injury for me (and I think it's the case with most people) is the mental aspect. Getting through those first few months after surgery are rough, and it seems like it is taking forever. But, you are stronger than you know and it will soon be just a memory.
Do everything your Dr. says...and start PT as soon as possible! :)
Good luck and keep healing! And please keep in touch to let me/us know how your recovery is going. I would love that!
CC thanks for the reply it actually made me cry a little. Don't worry not you I happen to cry alot another of the "moods". By the way my name is Amanda. As of right now I can't do much as I still have pins sticking out the side of my foot. The good news is they have received their official eviction notice and will be removed on June 29th. So please keep me on mind as they will be pulled out with no sedation, anesthetic, or pain meds. I will be sure to keep you updated.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on the hardware removal, Amanda! I can't believe they wouldn't sedate you or even numb the area... I'll be sending positive thoughts you way on the 29th!
DeleteAnd, oh please, I can't tell you how much and how often I have cried over the course of the year. Over little things. I spent about 5 weeks deeply depressed and unwanting and unwilling to go anywhere or do anything. I still have crying fits! I swear I wasn't like this before the injury!