The FrankenFoot Strikes Back

I've been so busy with the holidays these past couple of weeks, I wasn't able to blog last week!  But, all of the presents are wrapped, dinner is served, and the house is clean, and I found myself with some time to blog on Christmas Eve.  Wahoo!

I had surgery 9 days ago, on December 15th, to remove the remainder of my temporary hardware, which ended up being two screws.  I've done this surgery twice now, so it almost felt routine.  I called and got my surgery time the day before, which was 1:00 again.  The exact same time as the last surgery.  I was disappointed because it was so late in the day, and I was pretty miserable last time, since I'm not allowed to eat past midnight.  I asked the doctor's office, and they said that he liked to schedule the easier surgeries later in the day because he has a tendency to get behind on some of the harder surgeries.  And even though I was coming in pretty late at 1:00, I wasn't the last surgery for the day  That poor, poor soul behind me.

As I was getting ready the morning of surgery, at about 10:00, TOSH called me and wanted me to come in right away for surgery because there was an opening on the schedule.  They asked how long I'd be, and I'd told them about a half hour, just long enough to drive to the surgical center.  I scrambled to get dressed and get my stuff together.  As we were walking out the door, my phone rang again and I saw it was the doctor's office.  The nurse explained that there was a change and they would no longer need me to come in early, so I should just come at my regularly scheduled time of 1:00.  Dammit!  I'd had my hopes up of getting done early only to be smashed into little pieces.

So, I waited..and waited, and finally went to the hospital to check-in for surgery at 1.  Same routine at always, as soon as I was taken back, the nurse took a set of vitals, I changed into my sexy hospital drape, and gave a urine sample to prove I wasn't pregnant and was OK for surgery.  I met a flurry of nurses and doctors, had my IV started with liquid tylenol, and gave my name and birthdate about a dozen times.  Luckily my admitting nurse, who went over my medication history with me, knew what a NuvaRing was so I was saved of that embarrassing conversation this time.  I finally got to see Dr. Van Boerum right before surgery.  He wrote a YES on my right foot, and then started explaining to me how he has a set of tools and all kinds of gadgets to get my screws removed.  He totally creeped me out again....please just take my screws out; I don't need to know the details!  They were also letting me take home my screws this time!  The hospital didn't allow me to take home my pins from my last surgery because they were too sharp and were a liability.  Whatever.  

The last person I saw before surgery was my anesthesiologist a little after 3.  Instead of being hauled in a wheelchair, I walked by myself back to the surgery room!  It was cold.  I hopped up on the table.  They put a warm blanket on me.  I heard someone say that in 10 or 15 seconds I would be sleepy.  I was then waking up in the recovery room.  When I woke up from the last surgery, I had zero pain, but lots of anxiety thanks to a huge shot of morphine.  This time, when I woke up, no anxiety, but a pain level of about 4 - totally manageable.  I also could immediately feel relief in my foot from where the screws had been, no more pinching or pressure.  My recovery nurse gave me some ice water and honey graham crackers.  They both tasted amazing.  Shortly after, Nate and my mom joined me in the recovery room.  I felt nice and relaxed, and was quickly cleared to go home.  I laced up ye olde walking boot and started to get up and walk out. But, the nurse chased me down, made me get in the wheelchair and took me out to the parking lot.

There was a lot more pain and discomfort with this round of surgery than I expected with the next few days that followed.  Removing the screws is a little more involved than removing the pins.  My incisions are bigger, and my foot/tendons/bones were a lot sorer than last time.  I needed to take more pain medication than I wanted to or thought that I would need.  That led to the uncomfortable side effect of opioids on the digestive system. I finally started to feel better about 5 days after surgery.

One thing I didn't the surgery stop me from doing, was seeing Star Wars on opening night!  I had all of these grand plans to dress up as a sith version of Ahsoka Tano.  But, quite frankly, I felt miserable and taking a shower and getting myself ready completely exhausted me.  The thought of trying to put on a costume and paint my face seemed too daunting.  So, I didn't end up going in costume.  I was disappointed about that, and wish I'd felt better that night for the movie.  I still went though, and it was AWESOME and I am so glad that I went, even doped up on various pills, in a boot, and in some nagging pain.   I actually have seen it 2 times since, when I was feeling better!  And Rey.  She.  Is.  Amazing.    She is such a strong female character.  She inspires me to be a bad ass.  Cool girls don't look at explosions.

I will go back in to the doctor next week to get my stitches removed.  I was told not to remove my dressing until I saw the doctor again, but, full disclosure, I took it off already.  It was fraying, getting snagged on my boot, and there was no way that it was going to stay on for two weeks.  I've been in the boot during my waking hours ever since surgery, mainly to protect my incisions.  It's such a bummer since I've been used to walking in my tennis shoes for the last month.  But, once I see the doctor, I can swear off the boot for good!  Trumpy (my scooter) was placed in his final resting place this weekend.  The basement.  He was a good scooter and served me well.  

As for the hardware, this is what was inside my foot for 5 months.  Of what they let me take home anyway.  Just touching it and feeling it makes it hard to believe that this piece of metal was actually inside of me.  No wonder it was so painful.  I'm glad to be rid of it!

The Return of FrankenFoot

It's been a little over a week since my hardware removal surgery.  Recovery has been great actually.

Yesterday, I was allowed to take off my dressing.  It revealed a slightly swollen foot, with two new incisions (one on the top on my foot, the other along the side/bottom).  Overall, it did not look that bad.  The sequel is never as good, I suppose.

My incisions are a little sore still.  I don't like the prickly feeling of exposed stitches. When the blanket touches them in the bed, I want to just pull them out.   I technically should be waiting until next week to sleep with my boot off, but I am cheating a little.  Shhh!!!  The doctor originally said that there wouldn't be any stitches on the bottom of my foot, but when I took off the dressing it appears there are stitches there.   Also with a lot of dried blood on my foot, so I'm guessing the removal of that pin didn't go quite as smoothly as anticipated :)

I've been allowed to start putting as much as 50% of my body weight on my right foot!  I am slowly phasing out the scooter.  I am only using it when I a) need to get somewhere fast (midnight potty runs) or b) if I need to carry something in my hands.  Otherwise as much as possible I am using my crutches.

I went to physical therapy on Monday, and Stephanie taught me how to get the weight ratio right.   It's a bit tricky to get, but we started out with a scale and a book.   First, I had to figure out what my weight was, and thanks to surgery last week I knew the number. She marked half of my body weight on the scale with a green sticker.  It wasn't a digital scale, it was the kind with a needle.  I stood on the book with my left foot so that I would be level with my other foot, since my boot makes it slightly uneven.  I slowly started to put weight on my right foot, which was positioned directly under the scale.  I started switching my weight back and forth between the book and the scale, and the goal was to hit the green sticker every time to hit 50%.  I did this for a few minutes, to get used to and comfortable with the weight.  Then, she had me close my eyes and repeat the exercise, to see if I could hit 50% without looking.  After a couple of tries I was nailing it pretty well!

Then I started to walk with the crutches around the room, learning to walk all over again.  Starting with all the weight on my heel, and then kind of "roll" my foot so the weight then gets pushed through the arch, then the ball, and then the toes.  I had to take small steps.  How did it feel?  It wasn't painful, but uncomfortable.  The best way I can describe it, is that it felt like when your sock is kind of bunched up in your shoe right underneath your arch.  That pressure you feel on the bottom of your foot, kind of crampy and a bit achy.  I thought it would hurt more quite honestly, but with the help of the Superfeet arch supports my doctor recommended, it wasn't bad at all.

I worked on some additional exercises before she sent me home, which included some squats, a session of 5 minutes on the Total Gym doing leg presses, and balance work on my right foot.  I actually was sweating pretty good, and it felt great!  My foot was definitely sore after all that, but it was the first time I'd used it in 112 days!  Wow.

Next week, I'll start 75% of my weight, and go down to one crutch, after my appointment at TOSH to remove my stitches.  I also was told to bring a shoe to my next appointment.  A SHOE!!  She told me to get at least a half size or a full size up from my normal size.  Between the insert and swelling, my foot probably won't fit into my normal shoes.  There are constantly just left shoes laying all around the house so I hope that starts to change.

As I left my appointment, she brought my scooter over, and I was like "Hell No!  I'm walking out of here!"  And she just looked at me and said, "OK, but don't over do it!"  I got that mischievous grin on my face when I know I'm about to do something I am not supposed to.  So, Nate rode the scooter out to the parking lot while I crutched along.  We got a lot of weird looks.  One guy stopped me and said that it wasn't right!  Haha.

It feels great to start walking again, even if it's heavily assisted on crutches.  It feels impossible to walk barefoot.  I don't know when I will be able to do that again, but I don't want to attempt it any time soon.   From what I have read on other blogs, that may take a while!  For now I am just happy I can have two feet on the ground.

Surgery....Take Two

I had my second surgery on October 13th, two days ago, to remove two pins from my 4th and 5th metatarsals.

I went in for my 12 weeks check-up appointment (it actually was 13 weeks but who's counting?) to see Dr. Van Boeurm at TOSH.  It was standard procedure, I was taken back to the exam room, whisked off down the hall for x-rays and back to the exam room to wait for the doctor.  Getting to be an old pro at this, really.  While waiting, I could hear my doctor on the phone arguing with LDS Hospital.  He apparently had ordered an MRI for one of his other patients and even though the order requested an MRI for the whole foot, they only did half of it.  He was pretty upset.  I felt bad for the patient, because he'd come in to TOSH to review his MRI with my doctor but now couldn't see him because of the mix up.  He was limping around the office too, so I can't imagine how frustrating that would have been.

I soon saw my doctor and he reviewed my x-rays.  All looked good, so he confirmed that we were on for surgery the next day.  He must of read my chart wrong, because he said that after surgery that I would be put back in the boot and continue non-weight bearing because protocol is 12 weeks from the procedure.  I was like HOLD ON A MINUTE!  It's been 13 weeks!  And then he reviewed the chart and confirmed I was correct.  He instructed me to make an appointment with Stephanie (my physical therapist) on Monday to start weight bearing at 25%!  Wahoo!  I asked if I could put weight on the foot before seeing Stephanie, and he said if I could figure out how to get to 25% by using the scale, he was fine with it.

I had my last meal, La Luna Mexican and Froyo from Yogurtland.  Quite unexciting, but it was delicious.  I called the surgery center and was told that I needed to check-in for surgery at 11:30 at the hospital.  My previous surgery was at 9AM, so I thought this was a little late and it would suck waiting that long to eat or drink.  Within the hour, a nurse called me back and said that there was a last minute change to the surgery schedule and that I'd been pushed back to 1PM.    1PM?!  That was really going to suck.  Also, my husband is going to a Java programming class Tuesday - Thursday nights + Saturdays.  I was hoping that he would still be able to go to school once he got me home from surgery but this would be cutting it close.

I also hadn't clipped my toenails since the injury.  I just let em grow.....  It totally scared Nate.  But I finally clipped them before surgery, the last thing I did on Monday night.

I got checked in, mostly on time.  They took me back and got my vitals.  Several things upset me.  I haven't had access to a scale in almost 3 months, and I used to weigh myself everyday.  I couldn't really get up on the scale anymore by myself so I just stopped weighing altogether.  I still was tracking my calories everyday on MyFitnessPal, and my exercise calories (which I burn about 600 per session, 4 times a week.)  I thought I actually may have lost weight through all of this, but nope!  I hopped on the scale to see I had gained almost 15 pounds.  I'm not quite sure how that is possible; I've definitely struggled with my weight in the past leading up to the injury but I didn't see this one coming.  I'd been going to a nutritionist at St. Mark's Hospital for almost 7 months prior to my injury and we still could not figure out how to get my body to lose weight.  So that was kind of like a dagger in my heart.  Then, the nurse took my vitals.  My blood pressure was way high.  I'm normally about 110, and I was over 140.  Then, she said my oxygen was low and my heart rate was too high (I was at 134bpm just sitting in the hospital bed).  Ugh.  What has my body done to itself??

I saw my head nurse, Laura, who went over all of my paperwork and medication history with me.  She also started me on an IV of liquid Tylenol.  Dr. Van Boerum and some of his partners believe doing this before surgery helps with dulling the pain receptors and can be beneficial in minimizing post-op pain.  That's kind of cool.  I also had to kind of explain a lot about how my NuvaRing works, so that was kind of embarrassing.  She was trying to get a gauge on the last time I had taken all of my medications and when we got to NuvaRing it became quite challenging.  I don't take it.  I put it in my vagina, and then I take it out of my vagina.  The End.

There was a whiteboard up this time with all the names of my various doctors.  Helpful, because last time they just all got called Ashley.  My expected surgery time was now 2:50PM.  Do they KNOW I haven't eaten since midnight last night?  Yes, they knew.  I asked.  Mega bitch was starting to emerge in all her glory.

I met with my head nurse, my admitting nurse, my OR nurse, and then finally my doctor.  He had me right "Yes" on the foot that needed to be operated on.  He also explained how he would be removing the pins.  The pin on the 4th metatarsal would need an incision about an inch long and a couple of stitches.  The pin over my 5th metatarsal (the one going vertical and I can feel it sticking out on the bottom of my foot...gross) was being removed in a much more barbaric fashion.  He said that basically they were going to put pressure on the skin around that pin until it popped through, then they would just pull it out with the pliers.  Why tell me that lol?  The good news is I won't need stitches for that method, it'll just literally be a poke hole.

 It felt like we waited FOREVER.  We were watching hospital TV and every damned commercial was for pizza, or sandwiches or buffalo wings.  Blergh!!!  Nate was playing the role of supportive husband, so, he also decided to fast right along with me.  I pleaded with him not to do it; no reason for us to both be cranky bitches.

Finally, it was time, around 3:30.  The last person to see me was my anesthesiologist.  He pumped my IV with "relaxation drugs", I said goodbye to Nate and off we went in my wheelchair down to the surgery room.  It was just as I had remembered, freezing cold.  I hopped up on the surgery table, they strapped me in and my anesthesiologist put an oxygen mask over my face.  He told me to take some deep breaths, and assured me that it was just oxygen.  That's the last thing I remember.  Was it really just oxygen?  Probably not, that bastard.

I woke up in the recovery room, to very minimal pain in the foot.  I felt pretty anxious though.  I have a really bad case of panic disorder which is mostly controlled, but I think they just had me on so many drugs, I felt like I do when I feel a panic attack coming on.  I was also thirsty, so the nurse brought me a cup of ice cold water.  I didn't stay in recovery very long, within a few minutes they brought Nate in, and within a half hour I was discharged.  They delivered my prescription pain meds to me bedside (nice!) and the nurse told me I should be good to go for a while because they'd given me a full shot of morphine right before I woke up.  Sweet.  But also not sweet, because I was super anxious.  But not in any pain.  The nurse gave me some Lorna shortbread cookies as we wheeled out to the car.  It was 5:30 now, and I knew Nate was not going to make it to school.

On the way home we got McDonald's and ice cream!  I was so excited to eat.  But I had to take it really slow so I didn't puke it back up.  I also immediately came home and started drinking my "poop juice" (aka Metamucil) because I remembered how horrible it was from the last surgery.  I settled in the my bed/nest on the couch and just drifted in and out of consciousness for the next few hours.  We are currently marathoning "Heroes" and I think I may have missed an episode or two.

So far, recovery hasn't been that bad.  It is different from the first surgery for sure.  First of all, this surgery took approx 40 minutes, where as my first surgery was almost 3 hours.  I only needed a light amount of anesthesia to keep me out during the procedure and it was not as deep as it was before.  I was not groggy for very long after waking up.  I also had been freaking out about pain.  Right before surgery my doctor said that if I rated the first surgery pain as 80/100 (which yes, it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced) than this surgery would be somewhere around 4/100.  I still expected a lot of pain, but when I woke up, I didn't really feel much.  After the morphine wore off, my foot started feeling pretty sore, so I took a pain pill or two and it was cleared right up.  I think the most challenging parts of surgery #2 are not pain related.  I have a whomping headache, brain fog, fatigue, nausea... all of that fun stuff.

So, I'm pretty excited about all this progress.  I get to meet with Stephanie on Monday for a weight bearing session.  I was also instructed to by my doctor to get these shoe inserts (Superfeet) for arch support when I start weight bearing in the boot.  He says they are the one of the highest quality over the counter inserts you can get.

The Final Countdown

It's less than one week until my surgery!  I've just been trying to keep myself distracted and hoping that the time passes quickly.  I've already done my pre-registration and pre-admissions prep & paperwork, so all I need to do is show up on the 13th with an empty tummy and a urine sample.  Because again, I need to prove that I am not pregnant!

I do have an appointment on the 12th, which will be my final check up.  I am actually 13 weeks post-op, and the plan was to have this surgery at 12 weeks, but my doctor was out of town last week.  He will take some x-rays and validate that enough healing has occurred to remove the two pins going across the 4th and 5th metatarsals, which are holding the cuboid and cuneiform bones in alignment.  I will still have the screws over my 1st and 2nd metatarsals and in the plate on my navicular.  I will need another surgery in about a month to remove those, unless something changes on Monday at my appointment.

I'm so ready for this surgery.  Words can't explain how done I am with the NWB and scooter life.  The past 3 months are about to be behind me for good!

These days, I feel like everything hurts BUT my foot.  Mainly on my left side.  I still have pain in my left ankle that I sprained in the fall, but it's not nearly as bad as it was.  It feels like it might be getting better, but the progress has been really slow.  I've also got this really annoying pain in my left hip.  It's sore all of the time now, and it feels a lot like my IT band at times and radiates around my pelvis and glutes.  I no doubt have been putting a lot of strain on my left side and it has had to overcompensate.  I am balancing all of my weight on my left side a lot, like when I stand still on my scooter, or when I am hopping around unassisted.   I hope that is what has been causing that pain, and I hope that when I start to walk normally it will work itself out once the muscles are being used as they are intended to.  I'm just trying not to worry about that right now, and just get myself healed from the next surgery.

I'm not entirely sure what to expect from a hardware removal surgery.  I've read other blogs and talked to others who have had it, and it seems like everyone is different in the healing process.  I know that it won't be nearly as painful as my initial surgery, but I'm still being put under anesthesia, going under the knife and getting stitches.  It will take about 10 days before I am healed enough to have the stitches removed, and be allowed to bear weight.  I'm curious how my body will respond to this 2nd surgery.  I know the 1st surgery was much more traumatic, but it was pain like I have never experienced in my life!  Once the pain subsided, I got horrible dizzy spells for a couple of weeks after, and standing upright for any length of time resulted in waves of nausea and feeling faint.  I'm hoping that doesn't happen again.  I also ran out of energy really quickly.  Simple tasks of showering or going to the bathroom felt like massive feats.  So, I guess I'll wait and see this time around.  Luckily, I have some banked sick time at work!

The Utes are getting ESPN College Game Day this weekend for their game vs. Cal, and I have every intention of tailgating and going into the stadium again!  This could very well be my last game as a gimp.  There is a game next weekend, but I have no idea how my body will be reacting after surgery and if I'll feel well enough to go.  If I'm still taking pain meds and/or getting my dizzy spells, I am making the smart choice and parking my ass on the couch!   Also wait and see.  If not, we have another home game on Halloween and I'll be for sure ready to go by then!  I've even got my Halloween costume picked out, and hopefully I'm able to walk by myself, even if it is in a walking boot.

Nate's been lecturing me about not trying to push it too much while I am on the home stretch.  I was working on my pull ups the other day; I've pretty much lost all of my gains there.  I was telling him about it and explaining how I had to kip up to get any leverage.  I got a nice "talking to" about not kipping and how our marriage might just be in jeopardy if I managed to injure or break anything else just weeks away from being healed.  I did listen to him (a little).

Surgery is so close, I can almost taste it!  I wonder what surgery tastes like?  Probably like copper.

Just Do It

8 weeks post-op this week!!  

I got the cutest card from my co-workers in the mail.  Cheered me up for sure!

If I'd had a less severe Lisfranc injury, I think I'd be able to start bearing weight this week.  But that damn little navicular had to get in the way of my potential!  It is the reason I am still not walking yet.  I guess that's what happens when you shatter it into 11 different pieces.

That's OK though, I still have had a week of progress so I can't really complain.  I've been doing my range of motion PT and it's to the point now where the foot is not really stiff anymore (at least when attempting those exercises).  My therapist said when I am pointing and flexing my toes that I should try to point and curl them like a ballerina as much as I can.  

So in my mind I visualize I look like this: 

                                             

                                          When in reality I look like this:

                                                                                  

Meh.

I also successfully made my goal of going in to the salon and getting my hair done.  I had been so nervous about it because I was just afraid how I was going to navigate on my scooter.  Turns out though, it was really easy!  I'm much more pro on my scooter than I give myself credit for.  I had to get into the chair once, out for a wash, and then back into the chair.  I shouldn't have been so nervous about it because I conquered it like a boss.  My hair stylist, who is FABULOUS by the way, gave me a stool to elevate my foot, and then I just sat there for a couple of hours while she played with my hair.  I got it darker for fall, and felt like I needed a change since I myself am going through so many changes in my life.

Bam!  I love this new color!

I am starting to use my crutches a little more.  I keep them down in my basement for when I go down there to workout in the home gym, so that I don't have to butt scoot around.  I've found that I'm about 100 times better on the crutches than I was when I first injured myself.  I guess I'm just really comfortable hopping around on my left leg, and I'm sure that it's super strong now so I can do a lot more with it.  I'm not going to use them as my primary mode of mobility but there are definitely nice to have around now that I'm not so afraid of them.

Perhaps the most exciting thing this week was the opening college football game of my Utah Utes against Michigan! Spoiler: the Utes won :)

(me and one of my best girls, Aimee - who made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies JUST FOR ME!... love her)

I have season tickets, but was really worried about having to hop up to my seat on the 35th row of the stadium.  So, we decided not to attend this game, but it didn't stop me from tailgating!  I got to get 12 hours of good, clean & dirty tailgating in my system.  I saw lots of friends.  Ate lots of food.  And drank lots of booze.  The only challenge was getting in to the port-a-potty on my own, so I needed help with that, but otherwise I just sat in my lawn chair with the foot elevated on my scooter.  People brought me food and drink as I requested it.  The port-a-potty trips definitely got more challenging as the night went on, the sun set, and I consumed more and more alcohol.   I have a light on my scooter so that helped.  At one point, it was so dark, that Nate lifted my scooter up and shined the light into the port-a-potty window for me so that I could see what I was doing.  How sweet is he?

It was the most depressing thing to see all of the other patrons heading to the game!  I met a couple of other people in casts, and one guy who had a boot like me, and was being pushed by friends in a wheelchair.  So, I'm determined to go to the game next week, and actually go inside the stadium to watch the game instead of from the tailgate lot.  I also bought some cute new boot accessories to decorate with my team colors.  

(my "Ute Boot")

YEAH!!  Go Utes!

I think I'd say to anyone out there reading this, debating on whether or not to do something with your broken foot (like go to a game, or a hair salon, or visit friends, or a road trip, or what have you)...my advice is to JUST DO IT!  It's so worth it in the end.  I immediately regretted selling my tickets once I got to the tailgate and found how much I was able to move around and do things (even if I required help).  I am done putting my life on hold or settling for less just because I've got a Lisfranc injury!

Acceptance

I'm 5 weeks post-op today.  

As I reflect today, breaking my foot has in a lot of ways triggered the 5 stages of grief.  I'm not being disrespectful to anyone who has lost a loved one, but I feel like I've gone through the emotional journey since losing a part of myself.  A part of who I was.  And finally, I've come to the stage where I am accepting my injury and what it is going to mean for me.

I was in denial at first - surely this can't be as bad as the doctor is making it seem, as the internet is making it seem?  I'll heal up quick and be back to my old self in a few weeks!

Then that progressed to anger as reality set in.  Why did this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why was I in the wrong place at the wrong time?  I felt envious of people that can just walk around, and how much they take that fore granted.  I got so angry at people when I was out in public and someone would dart in front of me because they didn't want to be stuck behind slow scooter girl. And, as we all know, anger leads to the dark side.

Then came the bargaining.  I was essentially lost in my own maze of What If and If Only.  What if I hadn't been so soaked in mud before my injury, would I have slipped?  What if I'd taken my gloves off before trying to climb the wall?  If only I had pushed myself harder during the race, maybe I would have hit the obstacle earlier in the day, and wouldn't have slipped.  What if I chose to climb on a different side that wasn't so muddy?  If only I would have caught myself!

That of course did no good, so depression set in.  I started focusing on all the things that I couldn't do.  Besides the obvious... walking and being independent... I couldn't continue with my normal routines of life.  Not only was I limited in what I could do in my workouts, but I was limited to what I could do in life.  No hikes, or walks along the trails by my house with my dog.  It's a huge event to try and do anything outside of the house, and I have to research whether or not the places I'm going are handicapped accessible. Festivals like Swiss Days, Greekfest, ComicCon and Oktoberfest are out of the question since I can't navigate the terrain or the crowds on my scooter.  It was hard enough doing that walking!  The first half of the Utah Utes Football games are out, since my seats are 45 rows up, and that was my fall passion...going to games.

And now finally, I've come to acceptance.  It hit me last night.  It is what it is.  This is how my life if for now.  I'm done thinking about what could have been or what I'd be doing now if I hadn't broken my foot.  I'm embracing this new and challenging stage in my life with open arms.  Trumpy (scooter) feels like a part of me, he feels like my right leg.  It's no longer awkward for me to get up and scoot around; it feels just like walking.  I don't care about the stares I get when I'm out in public, when I know people are thinking, "What happened to her?  Poor girl."  or "That scooter looks so stupid."  Zero F*cks Given!  If people feel the need to cut in front of me, go ahead.

I'm not religious, or even spiritual, but I feel like this is a test of my internal feats of strength.  Festivus for the soul!  A test that I either will pass, or fail.  But failing is not an option; I don't know how to fail.  I think maybe that this was something that I needed to experience.  A test of self.

It will get better.  Every day, it will get better.  I think of how much worse it could have been.  I may not have been able to walk away from this injury.  I'm lucky that it is only temporary, as for some people, this type of life is not.  Hell, before modern medicine, the solution for this type of injury was amputation.  I absolutely have a new found respect and appreciation for someone who is disabled, in any sort of way.  Not that I didn't before (I never cut in front of a disabled person at the grocery thank you very much!) but, it is even more so now.  I will not give up.  I can only get stronger.

.... but I am not yet a Jedi.

Pink Cast Blues

Let me start off by saying that I've never broken a bone before, so I've never had a cast. 

But, I'm really sick of my cast!

It taxes my gig.

1) Casts are gross!  I never really thought about what having your leg encased in something for a month will do.  Nate swears that he isn't able to smell anything, but I think it smells totally funky.  Sometimes, it is the only thing that I can smell, especially when I just get done taking a shower.  So I find myself dousing my entire cast with Bath & Body Works sprays, usually Tahiti Dream  or Bourbon Vanilla Strawberry.  I'm constantly worried about it.  But then again, I am sensitive to smells in general.  One day, if you want a real treat, ask me about the worst smell on the planet:  outside smell.  You can only smell outside smell inside.  Cold outside smell is worse than warm outside smell.  If outside smell gets on anything, it either must be washed or replaced.  Or, I will gag, uncontrollably.  Outside smell is a real, horrible thing.  My logic is undeniable.

2) Shaving! I have to shave every day.  If I don't, I am unable to sleep and I just think about the unshaven hair.  The fact that I cannot shave my right leg from the knee down drives me bonkers.  Leg hair... yuck!!  Each day, my cast gets looser and looser.  So, each time I shower, I see how far down I can get the razor.   Probably not the best idea I've had.  But, if I can see the hair, it must be shaved.

3) Skin issues!  Apparently your epidermis is constantly shedding skin.  Normally, this dead skin gets removed through your regular hygiene regimen or through natural friction (from clothes, bed sheets etc.)  Well, when you have a cast, there is no place for the dead skin to go so it just sits there and collects.  And I can see it.  And if I can see it, it MUST.  BE.  CLEANSED!  I've found that I'm pretty obsessive about it.  Like OCD obsessive.

4)  It's hard!  Yes, I know that is the whole point of a hard cast.  But this sucker is solid.  So solid, that I have had a pretty good bruise line for almost a solid month now of where my cast rests against my leg when I use Trumpy.  Nothing compares to the bruises I got after Spartan though. I did take pictures of them - I'm morbid like that.  This is my "good" leg:

As much as I hate my cast, it is doing it's job.  *grumble*  On the way in to work Wednesday, I got a little more daring with my need for independence and decided to try and hop to the car with my work backpack on instead of having Nate carry it for me.  It had my laptop, chargers, tennis shoe and gym clothes (for working out) so it was a bit meaty in weight.  When I got to the car door, I tipped backwards a bit lost my balance, and 31+ years of instinct kicked in and I slammed my right foot down on the garage floor to steady myself.  Mistake!  I was in so much pain, I started sweating, and seeing spots, thought I was going to pass out!  Nate came over and got the backpack and got me settled in to the car.  I thought I was going to puke.  But, after about 10 minutes, the intense pain subsided and turned into just a dull ache.  My foot was like, "Something bad happened to me!  I'm going to sulk ALL day! :("  I immediately thought I'd done some damage to my surgery site, but then I realized that is what the CAST is for. It's sole purpose is to PROTECT me, not make me miserable.  I was fine the next morning, and actually noticed I am having more feelings in my foot than normal.  I was loading dishes last night, and my toe started itching!  I hadn't experienced a toe itch since my initial injury.  I was so excited about it, I called Nate over to show him.  But I couldn't really show him.  Even though it is a crappy feeling, it is a feeling!

So even though I hate you, thank you, cast.

Scooter Girl

While I certainly love riding around on Trumpy (remember, the name for my scooter), it certainly is a conversation starter with strangers.  For those of you that don't know me, and maybe it comes as a surprise for those of you that do, I am a very introverted person.  I am incredibly shy and often cringe at the thought of new social interactions.  Once I befriend you, however, you'd never know!

So, when I'm riding around on Trumpy out on one of my adventures (remember, these are things like grocery trips), I am constantly getting stopped by people.  Some people just want to ask about the scooter itself.  An elderly couple approached me in the parking lot of the grocery store, and the man was nervous about using crutches because he had to have toe surgery and would be non-weight bearing.  I talked to him about where I got my scooter and how I liked it a lot better than crutches, and think he'd be able to handle it.  I gave him the place of the medical supply store in Utah where I'd originally rented mine.  He said he was glad he'd came over to talk to me and got my opinion on the scooter.  I felt like I'd done a good deed for the day!

Sometimes, this causes me to make new friends.  A cashier at the grocery store that I frequent almost weekly, gave me props on all of my scooter pimping.  She said that she had to have bunion surgery and was also non-weight bearing for three months.  We shared scooter stories (hers wasn't nearly as cool) and she showed me her foot scars from a year post op.  We talked about the dangers of crutches and various other hazards only having 1 leg and limited mobility can cause.  We also talked about the surgeries themselves and how painful (mine) and painless (hers) they were.  All while in the checkout line!  I'm sure she'll remember me next time she sees me, as will the other grocery store patrons....I'm scooter girl.

I also get lots of stupid comments.  Like, "WOW you must be having so much fun on that thing!"  Yes.  Yes, I'm having the time of my life.  I can't walk.  I have to rely on friends and family for mostly everything.  Stairs?  Forget about em.  Going to the bathroom and taking a shower?  Pain in the ass.  Yes, this is the most fun I've EVER had.  Glad you've reminded me of this fun-ness.

However, this also warrants plenty of unsolicited advice, and this annoys me.  While celebrating my mom's birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse, we were seated in an out of the way section so that I could have a place for Trumpy.  There was this older man and his wife sitting across from us in another booth.  As we were leaving, he came over to talk to me, and proceeded to give me a lecture about drinking alcohol with a broken bone.  Look, I was having a small, overpriced cocktail with my steak dinner, and which by Utah standards, has less alcohol content than a sip of Grandma's cough medicine.  Not boozing it up like a silly college girl.  He told me a story of some friend who had to be in a cast for twice as long because he drank and how it stunted the healing process.  While I do appreciate the concern, if you don't know someone or their particular situation, you may find that they don't want your advice, no matter how helpful you are trying to be.  I take really good care of myself.  I'm still (carefully) working out with a broken foot to keep my heart healthy.  I'm taking hordes of vitamins and supplements to stimulate bone growth and healing.  I eat tons of fruits, vegetables, and protein to fuel my body while in recovery.  Who are you to judge?

Then again, maybe he did think I was boozing it up like a silly college girl because of the company I was keeping.  Since it was my mom's birthday, they gave her free ice cream and had her get on some sort of birthday saddle (remember, introvert....cringing) and hooped and hollered to the whole restaurant about it.

As much as it triggers my anxiety when a stranger approaches me, I try to see the good in it.  Whether that is giving someone advice (who's actually seeking it), making a new friend, or taking the opportunity to practice patience with others.

I Miss Sleep

Sleeping used to be one of my favorite activities before my LisFranc injury.

Now, I kind of dread it.

I have the hardest time getting comfortable at night.  My incisions will start to itch randomly, or bump up against the side of my fiberglass cast and cause an uncomfortable sensation.  Or, I'll get a visit from the little gremlin that lives inside my cast, and he will randomly stab my foot with a knife, or a searing hot poker, or a taser.  Whatever he can find.

I have a pillow fort set up, that encases me in a wall of softness.  This helps will my comfort level, because I can rest my elbow or knee on the pillows and take some pressure off because my foot demands to be elevated at all times.  But, it also closes me off from my husband, so I kind of feel like I'm in cuddle jail.  I miss snuggling with my nice, warm, husband and drifting off to Hawaii Dreamland.

I'm a side sleeper, and sometimes I can contort my body into a position that will allow me to somewhat sleep on my side, still have my foot elevated, and not have too much pressure on my incisions.  But, it's like getting all 9 (that's right, 9, I got your back, Pluto) planets to align.

I still can't stand the sensation of a blanket on my exposed toes, so I have to stick my foot out of the covers.  That drives me insane, because ever since I was a little girl, I have hated to have any body part hanging out of the covers.  Because monsters will get them.  So I lay there, staring at the ceiling in the dark, imagining all of the horrible creatures lurking unseen in my bedroom looking for a midnight snack.

I used to be able to read for an hour or so, and that would make me nice and comfy and sleepy.  I could probably read all night now without getting tired.  Even on work nights, I am staying up well past midnight still reading my novels.  Then finally turning my Nook off, and tossing and turning for what seems like days.  Then my cat decides she wants to cuddle with me, so she comes and lays on my chest and belly.  And she'll sit there purring, softly nuzzling my face, pawing at me with her adorable little paws, drifting off to her own Hawaii Dreamland.  I suppose it's more like Tuna Dreamland or Treats Island.  Of course I can't move or disturb her once she's fallen asleep - that would be rude.  Eventually she leaves to go bully our other cat for her nightly capers.  I hear him being tackled and screaming like a little girl.  I chuckle and can focus on getting comfortable again.

I have tried different sleeping techniques, breathing exercises, and playing around with the settings on the Tempurpedic to induce that lovely feeling of being tired.  To no avail.  Don't get me wrong, I can take a sleeping pill, or a Melatonin, or a Klonopin, and that'll do the trick right quick.  But, I want natural sleep!

I have to remind myself that this is only temporary!  It's been 3.5 weeks since surgery.  Only 8.5 more weeks being in a cast or boot.  Then... it's all about Hawaii Dreamland.

Ready to Work! Kind of.

This week, I started going back to work.

I say kind of, because I've spent the week telecommuting, working virtual, being remote, whatever you'd like to call it.  I feel lucky that I have the flexibility in my job to do that.  I'd say that I have an awesome, understanding boss, but while I was out on medical leave she abandoned me for another position.  So now she's just a good friend. :)  I got the news that she was leaving at a really bad time in my recovery (emotionally) so I spent the whole day crying about it.  I look back now and blame that on the drugs and the after-effects of the anesthesia.  I've read on the internets and from fellow bloggers that it can really mess with your emotions those first couple of weeks, and that is NO lie. 

But, the rest of my team has been really understanding of my situation and I am grateful for that!  I went back to work on Monday morning, and as soon as I logged in online on my work laptop, I was flooded with IM messages from my team mates welcoming me back and sending good words of encouragement, wanting to catch up, and just wanting to chat with their co-worker that has been missing for a month.  It felt so good to here from them again.  The majority of my team is based in Phoenix (I'm in Salt Lake City) so it's kind of a bummer that I won't be able to see their faces when I am able to return to the office.

I hope that it's soon.  I've been trying to take every opportunity to get out of the house when I can, even if it's just a car ride with the husband to fill up gas in the car.  I start to have anxiety attacks about what awaits me when I do return to the office.  I've never thought about how handicapped accessible the building is and how well my scooter will work.  Can I get to my desk and into my office chair without assistance?  How am I going to elevate my foot during the day?  It gets very painful, swollen and turns purple if it hangs down like a normal foot.  How am I going to stay comfortable for 8 hours a day?  Are both my scooter and I able to fit inside conference rooms for meetings?  How do I stay comfortable with minimal pain when I have long meetings?  Will my scooter fit in the bathroom?  Is it going to be a pain using the toilet?  What if someone is in the handicapped stall when I need to go?  I'll just have to sit and wait around?  How do I carry stuff from the lunch room, like a hot cup of coffee or bowl of soup?  Are my co-workers going to get sick of me asking for help with normal, everyday tasks that people should be able to do on their own?  I guess I'll figure that out as I make the eventual trip into the office.  It may not be as bad as my anxiety is making it out to be.

I really am trying to stay positive otherwise.  I've been making it down to my basement gym every other day to activate my beastmode and bust out some workouts.  But, I've found myself getting kind of bored with my exercises.  All I can really do is upperbody and core.  I tried to do some knee squats, and my right quad is SOOOO weak!  Nate told me that my right leg is looking rather wimpy.   I think it is too. It's hard to absorb because right before Spartan, I was deadlifting/squatting 100+ lbs.  I'm trying to get creative with my workouts and keep it interesting, but I haven't quite figured out how to do cardio with my home gym.

Bleh.

I am hoping that once my cast comes off, I'll be free to do a little bit more, like biking or swimming!

All in all, going back to work was a good thing.  I'm absolutely swamped with work and playing catch up, so it keeps my mind occupied, and off this whole pity-party-I-only-have-one-leg scenario that plays over and over in my head.

4 Weeks Post Op - Operation Get Swole

It has been 4 weeks post surgery today!  In some ways, I look at the time has passed, and it has flown by.  In other ways, I look at it and it seems like it has taken forever to get here.  Doesn't matter, I hit the milestone and am a third of the way through my non-weight bearing phase.  Hooray!  In two weeks, I'll be halfway - I have to keep breaking it into manageable chunks to keep it from feeling overwhelming.  Kind of like weight loss!

I haven't noticed a ton of changes to my foot.  It does bother me that I can't see what's under there and how it's actually looking.  I can't say that it necessarily feels "good" but it doesn't feel bad either.  I don't have a lot of pain when I'm simply sitting or laying around, aside from the random nerve firings or cramps that I feel.  My incisions do itch from time to time so I am very aware that they are there.  When I'm up and about and/or don't have it elevated, I definitely feel my foot becoming angry and swelling up.  And of course, when I bump my foot (especially when my toes get pushed) it still does hurt quite a bit!  The biggest offender has been my cat.  He frequently likes to "kiss" (aka rub his face all over) my foot and sometimes he gets a bit overzealous and his expression of love causes me shocking pains.

My cast is also starting to loosen up as the swelling has gone down.  It doesn't feel quite as snug and supported as it used to, mainly in my ankle area, so I feel like I actually have a little bit of motion and wiggle room inside the cast.  

My left ankle is still hurting, and it is becoming quite annoying.  I'd like to be able to get up/pivot/hop/put weight on that foot without much pain but I haven't been that lucky yet.  It does feel a lot better when I put the lace up brace on, but if I wear it, I'm pretty much limited to flip flops because it doesn't really fit into any of my other shoes.  I have very much not been caring about fashion these days though, just whatever is comfortable and practical.  Zero F*cks Given!

I did make an actual physical trip in to the office yesterday!  It felt great.  It was a rainy and gloomy, and I kind of wanted to just stay home under my couch blanket, but I REALLY wanted to go in.  So, Nate loaded me up into the car and off we went.  I'm really lucky I get to work in the same building with my husband!  I had an easy enough time getting in to the building (thanks handicapped parking), and I found out the building is pretty accessible, so I didn't have any issues getting around or through doors.  As luck would have it, the handicapped accessible door right by my desk is broken, so I have to take the long way to get out of my area.  I see it as an opportunity to get a bit more exercise worked in to my day.  The biggest challenge I've come across that keeps me from wanting to go in everyday is the comfort issue.  In my 8 hour day, I couldn't find a way to sustain comfort.  I was able to elevate the foot on my cube desk, but it was awkward and put a lot of pressure on my back and on my other joints.  I could only stay in that position for maybe 45 minutes, before I'd have to get up and scoot around and stretch my muscles.  I had a lot of people make a comment to me that I didn't look comfortable... they were absolutely right.  It sucked.  Here I am resting uncomfortably at my desk (and shhh... I haven't updated my calendar since June)

But, along with going in to the office, I also had access to the office gym.  Pre-injury, I visited it everyday and I have a strong band of gym buddies that I have been really missing!!  So of course, I had to make a trip in.  Ever since Spartan, Nate has been undergoing.... 

"Operation Get Swole"

.....and he is doing an amazing job!  He is focused on bulking up and hitting his "glamour" muscles.  Basically he is hitting the weights pretty intensely and eating a billion calories a day.  He makes his daily uber shake, which consists of more calories than I eat in an ENTIRE day.  I can see his body transforming and his shirts are getting too tight in the chest and shoulders!  He is so sexy... I just enjoy looking at him :D  I hope to have some progress pics of him soon!

So, I went along for an Operation Get Swole workout session with Mr. Stud Muffin and activated the beastmode.  

















I got a lot of stares and some funny comments about working out in my cast.  But ya know, Zero F*cks Given!  My favorite part was getting to see my trainer, I hadn't gotten to see her in a month so we had a lot to catch up on!!  She's had her fair share of injuries and offered lots of advice, coaching and encouragement for getting through the injury.  The most important of that is just allowing my foot to heal and not try to start doing things too early.

My office visit was a success and a break up of the monotonous couch life.  I can't say that I was super productive that day because of all the socializing I did with my co-workers.  I need to get the comfort situation figured out, so that I can go in the office more.  It was also exhausting spending an entire 8 hour day there, I need to work up my strength for being back full time.