Injury Timeline


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Acceptance

I'm 5 weeks post-op today.  

As I reflect today, breaking my foot has in a lot of ways triggered the 5 stages of grief.  I'm not being disrespectful to anyone who has lost a loved one, but I feel like I've gone through the emotional journey since losing a part of myself.  A part of who I was.  And finally, I've come to the stage where I am accepting my injury and what it is going to mean for me.

I was in denial at first - surely this can't be as bad as the doctor is making it seem, as the internet is making it seem?  I'll heal up quick and be back to my old self in a few weeks!

Then that progressed to anger as reality set in.  Why did this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why was I in the wrong place at the wrong time?  I felt envious of people that can just walk around, and how much they take that fore granted.  I got so angry at people when I was out in public and someone would dart in front of me because they didn't want to be stuck behind slow scooter girl. And, as we all know, anger leads to the dark side.




Then came the bargaining.  I was essentially lost in my own maze of What If and If Only.  What if I hadn't been so soaked in mud before my injury, would I have slipped?  What if I'd taken my gloves off before trying to climb the wall?  If only I had pushed myself harder during the race, maybe I would have hit the obstacle earlier in the day, and wouldn't have slipped.  What if I chose to climb on a different side that wasn't so muddy?  If only I would have caught myself!

That of course did no good, so depression set in.  I started focusing on all the things that I couldn't do.  Besides the obvious... walking and being independent... I couldn't continue with my normal routines of life.  Not only was I limited in what I could do in my workouts, but I was limited to what I could do in life.  No hikes, or walks along the trails by my house with my dog.  It's a huge event to try and do anything outside of the house, and I have to research whether or not the places I'm going are handicapped accessible. Festivals like Swiss Days, Greekfest, ComicCon and Oktoberfest are out of the question since I can't navigate the terrain or the crowds on my scooter.  It was hard enough doing that walking!  The first half of the Utah Utes Football games are out, since my seats are 45 rows up, and that was my fall passion...going to games.




And now finally, I've come to acceptance.  It hit me last night.  It is what it is.  This is how my life if for now.  I'm done thinking about what could have been or what I'd be doing now if I hadn't broken my foot.  I'm embracing this new and challenging stage in my life with open arms.  Trumpy (scooter) feels like a part of me, he feels like my right leg.  It's no longer awkward for me to get up and scoot around; it feels just like walking.  I don't care about the stares I get when I'm out in public, when I know people are thinking, "What happened to her?  Poor girl."  or "That scooter looks so stupid."  Zero F*cks Given!  If people feel the need to cut in front of me, go ahead.

I'm not religious, or even spiritual, but I feel like this is a test of my internal feats of strength.  Festivus for the soul!  A test that I either will pass, or fail.  But failing is not an option; I don't know how to fail.  I think maybe that this was something that I needed to experience.  A test of self.




It will get better.  Every day, it will get better.  I think of how much worse it could have been.  I may not have been able to walk away from this injury.  I'm lucky that it is only temporary, as for some people, this type of life is not.  Hell, before modern medicine, the solution for this type of injury was amputation.  I absolutely have a new found respect and appreciation for someone who is disabled, in any sort of way.  Not that I didn't before (I never cut in front of a disabled person at the grocery thank you very much!) but, it is even more so now.  I will not give up.  I can only get stronger.



.... but I am not yet a Jedi.

30 comments:

  1. Hey CC, I had my lisfranc on 6/26, had my ORIF on 7/13. Comminuted fracture to my medial cuneiform & cuboid. Fractured 2 metatarsals, and displaced 2 metatarsals as well. 5 screws is all. Didn't touch the cuboid. Right foot of course, so not being able to drive is causing a deep isolated depression. :-(
    Thank heavens we didn't have our feet amputated tho!
    It's so true about the stages of grief you go thru with this injury. At first it was just a few numbers, "oh a couple weeks nwb, here's a boot, go get a ct scan"....
    ..."oh it's serious, surgery, nwb, then surgery again"
    me: "ok...." yeah then a few weeks with crutches& then a scooter, and holy cr*p the stares in stores... "when will this end?! I'm making a car payment to a bad*ss car that I can't drive for how long? & a fixed income.... crud."

    I'm happy you have a companion there for you. My bf has helped a lot!

    Btw I found your link on the fb LF support group page.
    -Alexandria Baker
    25 Seattle, WA

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    1. Oh Alexandria! I feel your pain! :( Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my blog. It sounds like we are pretty close to each other in recovery. What you said is absolutely right, I am finding the emotional struggle and depression and lot more challenging than the physical part of the injury, and I don't think that is something that people realize until you experience it.
      And yes, without my husband I think I would be a hot mess. I am so grateful for him!
      Let's keep tabs on each other throughout our healing journey. You are not alone!! :)

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    2. Hi Ladies ... I'm joining you ! ;)
      I was dancing with my husband & friends in our kitchen & I was kicking my legs up above my head, showing offf my flexibility, & I must have slipped on the hem of my long, flouncy pants & down I came ... Broke the 1st 4 metatarsals, cuboid & I believe cuneiform & dislocated the LF ligament, but it's considered a 'subtle' Lisfranc. Anyways I'm almost 3 wks post surgery ( 2 screws ). I live in Vancouver, BC. My OS is on holidays, he told me I could PWB !!.. WTF ?! I did a bit of minimal PWB but then stopped a few days in - hope I haven't done anything to compromise my healing ! I just went for 1st appt. since surgery, no X-ray taken, but different OS than my surgeon ( since he's on vacation ) said NWB !, so I'm glad I stopped !! Physio said I could start gently flexing foot, & trying to move toes but they're pretty much immobile. Haven't been in too much pain, but big toe hurts when I move it & top of foot stings. I hope to hear from you lovely ladies as I need to correspond with someone who's going thru this now. All the best to you ... XO

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    3. Hi Natalie! So sorry to hear you are now part of the Lisfranc club! The club no one wants to be a part of. lol. It amazes me how different the treatment is for every person & depending on which doctor you go to it can be totally different! I was 2 weeks in a splint, 4 in hard cast. I got my boot 2 days ago and I will be 6 weeks NWB in that. My doctor told me that it was critical to be NWB for 12 weeks. I think mainly because of the damage I did to my navicular. He will not even let me swim or anything. I think that a second opinion or seeing a second doctor is always good, even if yours was just out of town. The ortho I saw was 1 of 2 doctors in my state considered a specialist with the injury, so I felt comfortable with him even though I feel 3 months is a really long time to be NWB. Since the injury is so rare there are lots of doctors who don't know quite how to treat it or what protocol should be. My foot sounds like of similar to yours - since Monday I have been cleared to take my boot off for 1 hour a day and work on exercises, just flexing and pointing my foot. I also can't wiggle my toes very much either! I can do it a little bit, but it hurts the top of my foot (I think the muscles are grinding against the pins & screws - I don't know but that is what it feels like!) so, I'm guessing what you are feeling is pretty normal at this stage!

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    5. Hi CC,
      Thx so much for responding ... Yes the 'club' that nobody wants to be part of ! Ha !!! Well u sound like u have a very specific, yet long rehab & I wish u all the best. From your teeny tiny photo u look young so hopefully u will heal well. I'm 49, but in really good shape ( cyclist ) so I'm praying that I can resume activities within the next few months. All the best to U. I'll check in on this site periodically & will post my progress as well. XO

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  3. Yes and this was my first broken bone too... my bf keeps joking how I had to go all out on my first break...
    Im going to 'pain in the grass' concert event the 23rd & have my 6wk check up on the 24th... it just sucks I can't walk. and a bunch of drunks will probably end up pushing me over.
    Going to an event today in Seattle for my trial. I think it's all grass, so Idk if I can even get around. We'll see right?
    Anywho, my surgeon gave me the boot first visit. Said if I do/do not need surgery. Either way I'll end up with the boot... he cleared me to wash my foot, WITHOUT moving it, at 3wks. But I still only bathe it like once a week. Usually the day before I go to the doctor to be nice.
    I think he trusts me not breaking myself more. Haha
    I share things on instagram if you want to follow
    My sn is: Alexandria.Bakerr

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    1. I'd love to follow you! Misery loves company.

      How did you fracture your Lisfranc?

      It's my first broken bone too LOL. Good luck at the concert! You are braver than I am. I go to work, the grocery store, and car rides. Haha. I hope you have a good time though. I would be afraid of all the people!

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  5. My lisfranc story:
    I was on a dirt bike messing around about 3hrs from any town. I didn't go to the doctor until about 15hrs after I broke it.
    Kx100 here's the bike:
    http://images.motorcycle-usa.com/PhotoGallerys/14_KX100F_LIM_RF_OR.jpg
    There has been a lot of wild fires in Washington & Canada. So the sunsets were very gorgeous. I told my boyfriend "we're getting a picture of Mt. Adams" the whole mountain covered in snow was pink& orange. So we set off to get my picture on the dirt bikes. Going up the gravel road i had to emergency brake, basically locked up my wheels in the gravel, and my foot went down first. & as all motorcyclists are taught, tuck&roll, I tried... but unfortunately I tucked and super-manned across the gravel. I got road rash on my elbow(bad), (not as bad: hip, stomach, thigh), & knees. I think the ground grabbed my shoulder too. Very stiff in the morning/lifting is uncomfortable.
    When I crashed, I got the wind knocked out of me. So gasping for air my bf ripped up my shirt to assess the damage. I've had the wind knocked out of me before, so I just tried to relax and when I got my breathe, I was finally able to say, yes my chest hurts, but so does my entire leg... he was concerned from blood everywhere from my elbow... but sitting me up- I knew right then my foot was jello pudding. Lol. So we ditched my bike hoping no one steals it.. and I hopped on the back of his bike. I still wanted my picture. Face red from crying, bleeding everywhere, knew my foot was broken, &I looked at him& said, I still want my pic because then I'll be that bad@ss, lol. Unfortunately it was too difficult to get the shot. We rode back to the campground. Where he sat me on the tailgate & grabbed ice. (Haha.. &His buddy's gf poured me a stiff drink) my son was so worried, be started crying, I felt terrible. I was all game for staying the night and packing up in the morning. But he packed everything up & drove us a long drive home. And we just waited for the urgent care to open in morning.

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  6. I actually stopped working the middle of May, very stressful mon-fri 50-60hrs/wk standing only, lifting/moving 30-60lbs. Not much room for error type of job... so after 3yrs of that I finally got out, was SUPER HAPPY(felt a huge weight off my shoulders).. and then.. bam broken foot. So it was extra depressing at first knowing I can't work or go to school for even longer now.
    I want to soooooo bad.
    & I'm soooo scared about the concert too. It's an outdoor amphitheater. So grass & crowds. Hahaha

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  7. I actually stopped working the middle of May, very stressful mon-fri 50-60hrs/wk standing only, lifting/moving 30-60lbs. Not much room for error type of job... so after 3yrs of that I finally got out, was SUPER HAPPY(felt a huge weight off my shoulders).. and then.. bam broken foot. So it was extra depressing at first knowing I can't work or go to school for even longer now.
    I want to soooooo bad.
    & I'm soooo scared about the concert too. It's an outdoor amphitheater. So grass & crowds. Hahaha

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    1. Ouch, OMG, about your accident!! You are so lucky that it wasn't worse...and that your bf was there to help you! I have to keep reminding myself.. this is only temporary! You'll get back to work and to school soon and all of this will seem like a blink of an eye. Even though right now it seems sooo far away. I have my 6 week appt on Monday..I'm hoping to be like you and get myself a boot! I am so desperate to shave and wash my leg lol. My poor doctor when he takes the cast off... ick.

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  8. Yes!!! Tell your doctor you will not take another cast! Hahaha... the boot is fabulous.. as long as you are super careful, I bet he'll let you bathe & all that jazz.. although, a doctor will want what's in your best interest, (& sounds like more severe than mine) You might have to convince him you'll only bathe the foot weekly or something, cuz then the odds are lower for injuring the progress your foot has healed. ASK FOR EXTRA CAST SOCKS TO TAKE HOME.☺
    Ok so my cousin's wife told me she used rubbing alcohol to wipe the boot, keeping the stink down. The two weeks I couldn't bathe my foot I did this. Now, not so much. Honestly I don't think it stinks too bad (I hope, haha). When I do full bathing (1xwk), I will take the boot insert out & just hand wash it with laundry soap. That way the dryer is done by the time I'm done bathing. & putting on a clean sock from the doctor feels awesome!😊
    My boot feels super loose now, so I still ace wrap it. But not too tight. Apparently swelling is normal till even weeks after graduating to shoes again.. eek.

    I only had xrays 1wk post-op, curious when they'll do the next. I didn't get a pic of my screws..

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    1. Also he said I'd have my hardware removed @ 12wks.. but I have read a bunch of people don't have the second surgery for like 6 months... makes me anxious!
      Let me know what your doctor's plans are for you?

      But I have faith in us both. We're not old people, we're healthy, & optimistic! :-)

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    2. Also he said I'd have my hardware removed @ 12wks.. but I have read a bunch of people don't have the second surgery for like 6 months... makes me anxious!
      Let me know what your doctor's plans are for you?

      But I have faith in us both. We're not old people, we're healthy, & optimistic! :-)

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  9. Thanks for the idea about the extra cast socks!! :) About my hardware, I think we are planning on 5 to 6 months for removal of the screws and pins. I may have to have 2 surgeries to have them out because the pins normally come out at 5 months and the screws come out at 6, but they are trying to time it so I can just have one surgery to do it all. I'm hoping that's the case...I'd really rather not have 2 more!!

    And yes... we are young... we'll bounce back!

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  10. CC. I was very happy to find your blog. I too suffered a lisfranc injury. When I heard the dr say casually what it was, it meant nothing to me because I had never before heard the term before. Having since done research and finding horror stories online, it was refreshing and encouraging to find your blog. I am 3 weeks post surgery and I can relate to the stages of grief. The one thing I am finding is that I can slip around among the different stages on a given day. I am extremely social and independent so the being home way more than my liking and inability to drive(right foot) can cause more to deal with emotionally than physically. My injury happened on July 6 while kayaking. I was trying to step out on a rock and my planted left foot slipped causing my right foot to dangle into the water. The force of the water slammed the top of my foot into the rock. It all happened so fast. We were in tx on vacation and thankfully it was the final day. I went to urgent care and because of river water and abrasion to the skin I got a tetanus shot and was put on antibiotics. The X-ray was declared fine but I knew from ortho dr at home to not trust them. I had already called my dr before even going to the urgent care because I knew it was something- I just had no idea how serious. So after a two day drive home, I saw my dr on July 10. He gave the diagnosis and ordered a ct scan and sent me home NWB with orders to get swelling down. Follow up was July 20 and surgery scheduled for July 23. So we are w/in weeks of each other in relation to recovery. If positive thinking is any indicator of a lisfranc positive recovery, I will come out on the other side. I think one of the things that is so frustrating is that people have no idea how serious the injury really is.

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    1. It's very serious! & very frustrating when people just blow it off as a broken bone/sprain. I feel like when people ask, they have to try & one-up my story. But 9 out of 10x their story sounds like this non-severe 8wk cast type deal... & I just sigh, & smile. CC is very awesome for sharing her story and support. I hope her blog helps you too! It's very awesome you got the med. care you needed.
      The struggles are real.
      I share my progress on instagram: Alexandria.bakerr
      But CC definitely has more info and motivational/inspirational writing. Lol

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    2. Oh I'm so sorry to hear about the kayaking accident! It's horrible when these injuries happen while we are doing something that we love to do. Dirt biking, kayaking, running races.. :( I've read some blogs where people just fell down the steps weird or tripped on a curb. That would suck too for it to just randomly happen like that. You both have hit it right on the head. The emotional part (and the whole dependent on other people part) is much worse than the physical, and people have no idea how serious the injury is! My Dr. told me that I'd run into people that would say, "Oh I broke my foot and I was walking again in a month, so why are you so special?" He said just just start throwing around the Lisfranc, navicular and cunieform terms and that should shut them right up LOL. Aside from online, I know no one in my life that's ever suffered the injury. It's not like it's a broken wrist or ankle or something a little more common.
      I really do appreciate the comments guys and thanks Alex for your kind words about my writing hehe. The whole reason I started this blog is because when I got the diagnosis I started reading on the internet and was horrified. There were no real positive stories, except for a few. People that are out on the internet are blogging and posting on forums that have had really bad experiences. The people who have the injury and recovery just fine aren't worried about it and therefore are not posting about the positive side of things. So, I'm determined to turn this blog into a positive space, no matter how long the recovery takes!!
      I will just keep on bloggin'... and both of us are in similar stages of recovery so we can go through it together!

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    3. And... I do find myself popping in and out of the stages of grief but it is only getting better with time. I'll have a moment or two where I'm really angry or sad about my situation, but I snap out of it pretty quickly. You'll get there I am sure!

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  11. It's true it only gets better with time.. especially because it WILL eventually be over & become a memory.
    I find it the hardest that I don't have family or friends that will offer a helping hand or even a visit, unless I go to their house (where the only bathroom is upstairs), or if I come to them, ect. & my mom is on the other side of the state. So with the only help of my boyfriend, who moved me and my son in, & pays all the bills.. I don't really have anyone else.
    But I'm thankful as all Heck that I have what I have :-)

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    1. Not to mention im living in a 2 story house already... haha but thankfully there's bathrooms upstairs and downstairs! Woohoo the small things in life!
      & for quite some time bf fireman carried me up and down the stairs... now I mostly just crawl
      ;-P

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  12. Thanks for your blog, thanks for this post. I've also been thinking of the 5 stages of grief, and it certainly doesn't only pertain to the death of someone. I'm grieving my loss of independence (can't drive with right foot injury), loss of ability to sleep well, loss of freedom to get out of the house easily. I'm 4 weeks post op, so have 2 more weeks with this hard cast. Then I'll get a boot, but am unclear whether I'll be able to PWB or not. I certainly hope so. I keep having dreams of being able to get out of bed and WALK to the bathroom.

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    1. Angela - Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and I hope that your recovery is going well! You'll be walking again in no time.

      Part of the reason why I made this post is because I really did feel like I was dealing with a death of a loved one. A part of me, maybe. I struggled a lot with the independence too. It was my right foot, too, and I needed help getting in and out of the house every single day because the only way out of my house was down some stairs. I felt so helpless and useless. I was really happy when I could get up and cook meals and help clean at times, so that my hubby wasn't doing everything.

      Good luck on your recovery. Try to stay as positive as possible. You'll get through it, you are stronger than you know!

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  13. Hey CC and Lisfranc-ers,
    Just wanted to update, and hopefully enlighten everyone.
    It's been 11 months since my injury.
    Almost 7 months since my last surgery/hardware removal (&starting to walk again)
    Mornings aren't stiff like they used to be, my foot doesn't swell up every time I'm on it for 3+hours, pain is very minimal now.
    Only problem i have physically is squatting- if I'm squatting too long it cramps up.
    Everything is BETTER! not normal again, but really close.
    I plan to start fixing up my dirt bike and riding again this summer!
    Also i haven't worked in 1yr this month, but guess what?! I'm currently working on the hiring process at a new place! Go me!

    The weeks of NWB are the hardest. And for some, it can be one of the most depressing things a person has to deal with.
    Hold on, don't give up. Once you're PWB, it's all uphill from there. Might be a rocky uphill, but it only gets better.

    PHYSICAL THERAPY IS IMPORTANT TOO!

    Correct me if I'm wrong, CC, you started PT before you were PWB, right?
    Which is important, scar tissue sets in at 6wks post-op.
    I didn't start PT until 5wks post-op and it was very difficult breaking up the scar tissue.

    CC is right, especially when it comes to an injury like this, 'You WILL get through it, you ARE stronger than you know'.

    add me on Instagram
    For my story/&dm:
    alexandria.bakerr

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    1. Great update Alex!! I am glad you are doing so well and hope you get riding again soon! Thank you so much for being a great friend through all of this.

      And yes, I started PT about a month before I was allowed to be weight bearing. It mainly was stretching and getting back range of motion, picking up marbles with my toes... etc

      Patience is the key. And staying positive!

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  14. I completely understand what you mean when you said you were going through the 5 stages of grief. I was stuck in the depression stage for a longtime after I broke my femur during a cycle race. Was out for a very long time and just makes you realize how much we rely on our legs and movement in general.

    Neil Kash @ U.S. HealthWorks Lacey

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    1. A broken femur? Holy crap! That's awful.

      These injuries sure put things in perspective.

      I hope things are better for you now, Neil! Have you gone back to cycling?

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